MDJ Says: Vidal Sassoon famously once said, “Your hair is your crowning glory.”
With a coif as masterful as that at age 107, who could argue with him? Every girl and reasonably self-aware male above the age of 14 understands that all it takes is one bad hair day to ruin an otherwise magnificent ensemble.
So where does this leave bald men, i.e. the scintillatingly heart-stopping MDJ? With a bit of imagination and a nice fresh razor, wonders and miracles are possible. Let me show you how.
Zee: I’ll be honest. I’ve never dated a bald man before, but when I met you, it never even crossed my mind that you were. I think I was distracted by those atrocious hipster eye glasses without a grade you used to wear.
MDJ: Over the years, I have had to defend my skinheaded look by name-dropping countless examples of Beautiful Bald Men – those who have not relied on Bieber-esque locks to cause panties to get damp and brassieres to go flying. Agassi. Statham. Willis. Diesel. Connery. The Rock. Malkovich. These are men who have proven time and again that a shiny pate can be just as sexy as a Rob Pattinson flop-top.
Zee: I’ve always wanted to know though – do you miss having hair?
MDJ: It’s hard not to get jealous sometimes of the fortunate behaired populace. The art of styling one’s hair is therapeutic. It’s a space of zen where masculinity and grace come together in a sensual mesh. I wish I could do it, but I haven’t got hair on my head.
With one gloriously lush exception, of course.
Facial hair is an underappreciated canvas for men to exhibit a bit of artistic expression. The conventional way is to grow a basic goatee, but I think that’s too safe, even with an occasional soulpatch for added effect.
Zee: You look like a convict here, but it can be sexy to know that you intimidate most people when you have this beard this way. That is, until they see the tiny toy poodle in a zebra-striped tote bag you insist on carrying on your shoulder when we go out.
MDJ: Thank you. I was going for the Ice Cube look there. Facial hair should never be TOO cultivated, lest one look like either a boyband member or Dr. Joel Mendez, neither of which is a good thing.
There are so many joyous creations that can be sculpted out of facial hair.
Why not rock out with Lemmy Kilmeister-esque Mötörhead Handlebar, also gloriously featured on the cover of the Beatles’ “Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band”?
Zee: You look like a trucker who can’t even add. The confused look on your face looks like someone asked for your name and you forgot what it was.
MDJ: That’s precisely the point. Who needs brains when you’ve got beard? Alternatively, if one is feeling a bit redneck-ish, throw on a country spin with muttonchop sideburns and a ’70’s porn star ‘stache. (Ron Jeremy would be very proud of this one)
Zee: Well hello, Billy Bob! Been wrestling the pigs today, haven’t ya?
MDJ: I’m ignoring you now. For Asian-themed parties, there’s always the classic Fu Manchu.
Zee: I really shouldn’t allow you to stay in the bathroom for too long. I think you’ve been sniffing the toilet bowl to get high.
MDJ: And what Mexican-inspired outfit wouldn’t be complete without a Mariachi Mustachio?
Zee: You look like a squirrel!
MDJ: At this point, I was feeling very politically-correct, and skipped the organic next step: The Adolf Hitler Barcode. I don’t know any Jews, but think they are a wonderful people.
It’s always emotionally painful to go back to a completely clean-shaven look, but that’s where all good things must begin.
Zee: This just looks wrong. Bring back the beard, Mr. Clean!
MDJ: Of course, manscaping to this exquisite amount of detail needs the best possible tools. That’s why I love the Schick Quattro Titanium razor – the first and only razor to displace Gilette’s legendary Mach 3 razor from my personal Bat Utility Belt.
It’s got FOUR titanium-coated blades for the ultimate shaving experience, plus a special edging blade for fine-tuning and contouring. It’s absolutely amazing. Dr. Joel Mendez wishes he owned one.
Zee: I love this razor too. Thank you for letting me use it on my legs and armpits when I lost mine.
I think this is the point where I break down in tears and concede defeat. Again.
Zee: You know you love me!
MDJ: You’re vile.
What’s your favourite facial hair style? Leave us feedback below or on our Facebook page, and if we like your input strongly enough, MDJ just might carve it out of the beard he’s currently growing. You might not be able to shape the world, but you can shape his facial hair!
Leave a comment or drop us a line at firstname.lastname@example.org and help MDJ decide what groovy shape to carve out of his bristly, man-tastic beard!
The Schick Quattro Titanium is available in all leading supermarkets and personal care stores near you, but PCX always seems to have the largest variety.