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It’s that time of the year once again when Christians and Muslims alike lay down their arms, stars align, Christopher Lao finally gets informed, and world peace abounds. Yup – it’s time for Volume 2 of the official He Says, Zee Says Mailbag!

Questions, as always, come straight from you, our readers. Apparently, you’re even more nuts than we are.

This week, we answer your questions on feminine wash, Filipino dining habits we abhor, our perspective on potatoes and porn, and more!

And so – let’s have with it, sexies! And may the odds forever be in our favor.

*****

Q: What can you say about the new Lactacyd Whitening feminine wash? I saw it on display yesterday at SM. Do girls need to look mestiza down there? (Happy Y., Cebu)

MDJ: Looks like it’s going to be one of those weeks again.

(Gathers self.)

You’re talking about this, I think. I had no idea the product really existed until I actually saw it on TV.

I don’t think it’s a terrible product per se. I just think it’s horribly misguided. First of all, not to be crass, but shouldn’t the goal be more on, uhm, PINKENING?

Secondly, if the intent is to make one’s nether regions more appealing to the opposite sex, then I don’t think aesthetics are the way to go. I say it’s all about flavors and aromas. Can you imagine how ridiculously well bacon-scented Lactacyd would sell? No reasonably self-aware dude could say no to that. Throw in some real bacon bits for texture and flavor, and it’s a done deal.

I will say this though: the makers of this product missed out BIG TIME by not including “before” and “after” real-world testimonial photos of Georgina Wilson’s nether regions.

Zee: Some products can be ridiculous. There’s totally no need to whiten the *whispers* flower. The groin area, yes. Especially after birth. But what if one doesn’t use any other whitening product but that?

Picture this: a beautiful, tan Filipino woman steps out naked after a shower and whitening her *whispers* flower… and it’s the only white part on her body. That would send many a man running, and would flush whatever is left of his libido down the toilet. I believe in the natural beauty of the *whispers* flower. Let us keep flora the way it is.

*****

A Filipino at work. Credit: RepublicOfCavite.com.

Q: My NYC-based sister abhors Filipinos who do not know how to use Western utensils. For example, she wants to throw up when she sees Filipinos cut meat with their spoons. Another pet peeve of hers is to see diners bend their heads down to eat their food; she insists that the diner should bring the utensil with the food towards his or her mouth. She also blanches at Filipinos shoveling their food into their mouths. Does she have a valid point about table manners, or is it simply a clash of cultures? (Jack S., Makati)

Zee: I totally agree with your sister. Those things bother me too. Please add “propping your leg up on the chair while eating” to the list. In some parts of our country, it means that the food is particularly good, and that you appreciate it. But personally, it makes me cringe. I don’t think of it as a clash of cultures but more of the fact that Filipinos have a higher level of tolerance for such. I can cite 3 reasons off the top of my head:

  1. Since we’re a 3rd world country, a knife can be a luxury. Some would rather collect the knives, bring them to a junkshop, have them weighed, and make moolah.
  2. Hunger. Some don’t have the luxury of time so they just shovel food in like there’s no tomorrow.
  3. Most Filipinos treat food as fuel for the body and not as an enjoyable, carefree, bonding activity that people in some countries do. Over there, they have high tea with crumpets and teeny-tiny little finger sandwiches, while we have merienda with pancit and banana cue because we’re hungry and carbo-load. It’s as if the seconds saved from bringing the food to your mouth are precious because you have to till the soil or something. A habit passed on for generations, I think.

Again, since we are used to it, we can be more tolerant of the more salient points of table manners. We deem it normal. Heck, have you ever looked for the knife to go with the giant spoon and fork at Filipiniana shops? Nope. I don’t think so. That’s because you considered it normal to just have a spoon and fork hanging there on the wall together with the Last Supper wood carving from Betis, Pampanga.

Admit it – you have these hanging on your wall.

MDJ: I’m guilty of all those charges, Jack. I’ll add one more thing that I’m sure gets your goat too – Knorr Liquid Seasoning on everything, steak included. Mmm… Steak.

Here’s the thing. I’m a dude, and I eat for volume and enjoyment. I also value efficiency, and let me tell you – mincing away at a steak the “proper” way with a knife and fork, then attempting to use the fork to shovel your carbohydrate of choice (mine is rice, of course) into your mouth is a pain. At most, the volume of rice I get into my mouth with a fork in one go is roughly one third of what I could manage with a spoon. Really. I measured it.

So my point is this – a dude should eat in the most efficient way possible, not like he’s doing a Condé Nast demo video. That leaves him more time to do important, relevant, meaningful things, like finishing the Fifty Shades of Grey series.

I hear the plot and characterization is amazing.

******

Q: Describe your ideal person BEFORE you met each other. Can you both confeeerm whether both of you went against “type”? (@SungEmpress, Twitter)

Cary Grant: Zee’s dream guy?

Zee: This is a potentially dangerous question but we’ll answer it nonetheless. I once wrote down my ideal person on a blog entry in 2009 and it went like this:

  • 35-45 yrs.old
  • socially aware
  • will make me feel secure
  • someone who will laugh with me and at me when I make mistakes
  • God-fearing
  • has balls bigger than mine
  • intelligent
  • funny
  • humble

Obviously, I have never been into looks. I think “the ideal” is a myth. You have to be your ideal self to meet the ideal person. If you’re into tattoos, booze, partying like a rockstar, and have drunken pictures of yourself hugging truckloads of unknown men on Facebook, aiming that a Cary Grant in an Italian suit will take you seriously may be difficult.

With MDJ, God went beyond my expectations, and was more or less spot-on. Except he threw me a curve ball with the age! He’s four years younger than I am. For bullet #2 and the final bullet, I think that’s where I come in.

Angelina Jolie’s Zee impression.

MDJ: Funnily enough, one of the running jokes I had in my old blog was that I hoped to someday sucker a nubile, curvaceous Cebuana into being my wife.

God must read my blog, cos that’s exactly what I got in my Zee.

But seriously – I’ve always just wanted someone wicked smart, who could understand, tolerate, and indulge my geekiness.

The looks never really mattered to me (the fluffy cannot be choosy, let’s not forget), so the fact that Zee looks like a Barbie doll with her big, sexy hair, Angelina Jolie lips, and insane curves is just a bonus.

*****

Q: I know you love each other so much (’cause I witness how saccharine sweet you are to each other on Twitter) but what is the one food or habit that is always a potential cause for disagreement? (Mayo, Hong Kong)

Did someone say “potatoes & porn”?

Zee: Potatoes and porn. We agree to disagree on this. I will never get it.

MDJ: Doing the dishes. No need to elaborate.

A man should toughen up his palms with basketball, weightlifting, and carpentry work, not Dazz Dishwashing Liquid.

(Although I will say this – the blue variant of Dazz Dishwashing Liquid contains quite possibly one of the 50 greatest scents I’ve ever smelt in my life, ranking somewhere between “car interiors” and “gunpowder”.)

And oh, Zee, potatoes are the world’s greatest vegetable. Don’t ever forget that.

*****

And that’s the end to another world-famous He Says, Zee Says Mailbag! We love the questions you send us! Keep them coming in the comments section, our Facebook page, via Twitter, or through our official email at hesayszeesays@gmail.com!

Much love,
Zee & MDJ

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